What is Negotiation?

Why Negotiate?

It is inevitable that, from time-to-time, conflict and disagreement will arise as the differing needs, wants, aims and beliefs of people are brought together.  Without negotiation, such conflicts may lead to argument and resentment resulting in one or all of the parties feeling dissatisfied. The point of negotiation is to try to reach agreements without causing future barriers to communications.

Stages of Negotiation

In order to achieve a desirable outcome, it may be useful to follow a structured approach to negotiation. For example, in a work situation a meeting may need to be arranged in which all parties involved can come together.

The process of negotiation includes the following stages:

1. Preparation
2. Discussion
3. Clarification of goals
4. Negotiate towards a Win-Win outcome
5. Agreement
6. Implementation of a course of action

---

1. Preparation

Before any negotiation takes place, a decision needs to be taken as to when and where a meeting will take place to discuss the problem and who will attend.  Setting a limited time-scale can also be helpful to prevent the disagreement continuing.

This stage involves ensuring all the pertinent facts of the situation are known in order to clarify your own position.  In the work example above, this would include knowing the ‘rules’ of your organisation, to whom help is given, when help is not felt appropriate and the grounds for such refusals.  Your organisation may well have policies to which you can refer in preparation for the negotiation.

Undertaking preparation before discussing the disagreement will help to avoid further conflict and unnecessarily wasting time during the meeting.

---

2. Discussion

During this stage, individuals or members of each side put forward the case as they see it, i.e. their understanding of the situation. 

Key skills during this stage include questioning, listening and clarifying.

Sometimes it is helpful to take notes during the discussion stage to record all points put forward in case there is need for further clarification.  It is extremely important to listen, as when disagreement takes place it is easy to make the mistake of saying too much and listening too little.  Each side should have an equal opportunity to present their case.

---

3. Clarifying Goals

From the discussion, the goals, interests and viewpoints of both sides of the disagreement need to be clarified. 

It is helpful to list these factors in order of priority.  Through this clarification it is often possible to identify or establish some common ground. Clarification is an essential part of the negotiation process, without it misunderstandings are likely to occur which may cause problems and barriers to reaching a beneficial outcome.

---

4. Negotiate Towards a Win-Win Outcome

This stage focuses on what is termed a 'win-win' outcome where both sides feel they have gained something positive through the process of negotiation and both sides feel their point of view has been taken into consideration. 

A win-win outcome is usually the best result. Although this may not always be possible, through negotiation, it should be the ultimate goal.

Suggestions of alternative strategies and compromises need to be considered at this point.  Compromises are often positive alternatives which can often achieve greater benefit for all concerned compared to holding to the original positions.

---

5. Agreement

Agreement can be achieved once understanding of both sides’ viewpoints and interests have been considered. 

It is essential to for everybody involved to keep an open mind in order to achieve an acceptable solution.  Any agreement needs to be made perfectly clear so that both sides know what has been decided.

---

6. Implementing a Course of Action

From the agreement, a course of action has to be implemented to carry through the decision.

See our pages: Strategic Thinking and Action Planning for more information.

---

Failure to Agree

If the process of negotiation breaks down and agreement cannot be reached, then re-scheduling a further meeting is called for.  This avoids all parties becoming embroiled in heated discussion or argument, which not only wastes time but can also damage future relationships.

At the subsequent meeting, the stages of negotiation should be repeated.  Any new ideas or interests should be taken into account and the situation looked at afresh.  At this stage it may also be helpful to look at other alternative solutions and/or bring in another person to mediate.

See our page on Mediation Skills for more information.

Informal Negotiation

There are times when there is a need to negotiate more informally.  At such times, when a difference of opinion arises, it might not be possible or appropriate to go through the stages set out above in a formal manner. 

Nevertheless, remembering the key points in the stages of formal negotiation may be very helpful in a variety of informal situations.

Resource: skillsyouneed.com

Active Listening

Signs of Active Listening

Non-Verbal Signs of Attentive or Active Listening

This is a generic list of non-verbal signs of listening, in other words people who are listening are more likely to display at least some of these signs.  However these signs may not be appropriate in all situations and across all cultures.

Smile

Small smiles can be used to show that the listener is paying attention to what is being said or as a way of agreeing or being happy about the messages being received.  Combined with nods of the head, smiles can be powerful in affirming that messages are being listened to and understood.

Eye Contact

It is normal and usually encouraging for the listener to look at the speaker. Eye contact can however be intimidating, especially for more shy speakers – gauge how much eye contact is appropriate for any given situation.  Combine eye contact with smiles and other non-verbal messages to encourage the speaker.

Posture

Posture can tell a lot about the sender and receiver in interpersonal interactions.  The attentive listener tends to lean slightly forward or sideways whilst sitting.  Other signs of active listening may include a slight slant of the head or resting the head on one hand.

Mirroring

Automatic reflection/mirroring of any facial expressions used by the speaker can be a sign of attentive listening.  These reflective expressions can help to show sympathy and empathy in more emotional situations.  Attempting to consciously mimic facial expressions (i.e. not automatic reflection of expressions) can be a sign of inattention.

Distraction

The active listener will not be distracted and therefore will refrain from fidgeting, looking at a clock or watch, doodling, playing with their hair or picking their fingernails.

Learn more about Non-Verbal Communication.

Verbal Signs of Attentive or Active Listening

Positive Reinforcement

Although a strong signal of attentiveness, caution should be used when using positive verbal reinforcement.

Although some positive words of encouragement may be beneficial to the speaker the listener should use them sparingly so as not to distract from what is being said or place unnecessary emphasis on parts of the message.

Casual and frequent use of words and phrases, such as: ‘very good’, ‘yes’ or ‘indeed’ can become irritating to the speaker.   It is usually better to elaborate and explain why you are agreeing with a certain point.

Remembering

The human mind is notoriously bad at remembering details, especially for any length of time. 

However, remembering a few key points, or even the name of the speaker, can help to reinforce that the messages sent have been received and understood – i.e. listening has been successful.  Remembering details, ideas and concepts from previous conversations proves that attention was kept and is likely to encourage the speaker to continue.  During longer exchanges it may be appropriate to make very brief notes to act as a memory jog when questioning or clarifying later.

See our page: Note-Taking.

Questioning

The listener can demonstrate that they have been paying attention by asking relevant questions and/or making statements that build or help to clarify what the speaker has said.  By asking relevant questions the listener also helps to reinforce that they have an interest in what the speaker has been saying.

See our pages: Questioning and Types of Question for more information.

Reflection

Reflecting is closely repeating or paraphrasing what the speaker has said in order to show comprehension.  Reflection is a powerful skill that can reinforce the message of the speaker and demonstrate understanding.

See our page: Reflection.

Clarification

Clarifying involves asking questions of the speaker to ensure that the correct message has been received.  Clarification usually involves the use of open questions which enables the speaker to expand on certain points as necessary.

See our page on Clarification.

Summarisation

Repeating a summary of what has been said back to the speaker is a technique used by the listener to repeat what has been said in their own words. Summarising involves taking the main points of the received message and reiterating them in a logical and clear way, giving the speaker chance to correct if necessary.

Resource: skillsyouneed.com

5 Ways to Improve Your Business Language Skills Quickly

Here are five simple ways that will allow you to improve your business language skills quickly:

1. Increase Your Vocabulary

Improving vocabulary is key in mastering the specialized words used in business language.

You can easily improve your vocabulary through training software that offers a comprehensive range of exercises. Learning commonly-used business idioms and abbreviations can also enhance your vocabulary.

Furthermore, you can do research on the Internet in order to find the terminology used in the specific field that you are currently employed in. It is important that you adopt an inquisitive approach towards learning, and find the meaning of any business word that you are currently unfamiliar with. A business dictionary can prove to be particularly helpful, since you'll be able to find the complete meanings for new terms and their relevant usage within business communication.

2. Read Business-Related Material

You can significantly enhance your vocabulary by reading a wide variety of material related to your field or business.

Reading business information and current updates will not only allow you to remain abreast with the recent changes in the business environment but also allow you to keep up with any changes in terminology. This knowledge can prove to be essential when you are communicating with third parties or working on customer contracts.

3. Play Games

You can even learn business language by playing games like crosswords and word search games.

These games can allow you to enhance your business vocabulary while ensuring that the learning process is fun and engaging. Business-themed language games include crosswords based on financial terms and important concepts, or word search games using terminology from banking or industry. You can use free word-search puzzle generators to create your own games, if you can't find one specific to your field.

4. Watch Business-Oriented Programs

Watching programs that focus on business is an excellent way to improve language skills, because the people in those programs will be using key terms frequently and correctly.

These programs are often hosted by experts in the field and therefore can prove to be an important source of valuable information and knowledge as well as vocabulary terms. Business terminology is naturally used on these programs and merely watching them attentively can help you grasp terms that are part of business communications.

Listening to or watching these programs will not only allow you to become familiar with new words but also learn their correct pronunciation and usage.

Simple knowledge of business terminology cannot completely eliminate the chance of misunderstanding in organizations; rather, an employee must be able to correctly use the terms so that the underlying message is effectively communicated to the second party. Watching these programs will allow you to understand the current business scenario while also becoming familiar with a range of words and their proper uses.  

5. Practice

Learning new business terminology will not impact your communication skills until and unless these terms are used correctly in your the daily communication.

You must try to use as many relevant words as possible during your conversations with colleagues and peers. Furthermore, recently learned business terminology can and should be incorporated into the presentations you give, so that you are able to gain confidence in your ability to use the terminology.

Finally, you can practice your business language skills by writing business letters and memos.

An individual working in an organization is likely to need to communicate with stakeholders and peers through the medium of memos and letters. However, it must be remembered that letters and memos need to be to the point and precise. Your business language skills are critical during this point, because short sentences must convey your instructions, term, or requests. It is important to be familiar with the general writing pattern found in letter formats used in your industry. Use a formal tone where appropriate, and make sure the language you use helps to clearly convey the information.

Resource: skillsyouneed.com

What is Empathy?

Elements of Empathy

Daniel Goleman identified five key elements of empathy.

1. Understanding Others
2. Developing Others
3. Having a Service Orientation
4. Leveraging Diversity
5. Political Awareness

1. Understanding Others

This is perhaps what most people understand by ‘empathy’: in Goleman’s words, “sensing others’ feelings and perspectives, and taking an active interest in their concerns”. Those who do this:

• Tune into emotional cues. They listen well, and also pay attention to non-verbal communication, picking up subtle cues almost subconsciously. For more, see our pages on Listening Skills and Non-Verbal Communication.
• Show sensitivity, and understand others’ perspectives.

2. Developing Others

Developing others means acting on their needs and concerns, and helping them to develop to their full potential. People with skills in this area usually:

• Reward and praise people for their strengths and accomplishments, and provide constructive feedback designed to focus on how to improve. See our page on Giving and Receiving Feedback for more.
• Provide mentoring and coaching to help others to develop to their full potential. See our pages on Mentoring and Coaching Skills for more.
• Provide stretching assignments that will help their teams to develop. See our page on Delegation Skills.

There is also plenty about developing others on our Leadership Skills pages: look out in particular for Motivating Others, Creating a Motivational Environment, and Effective Team-Working Skills.

---

3. Having a Service Orientation

Primarily aimed at work situations, having a service orientation means putting the needs of customers first and looking for ways to improve their satisfaction and loyalty.

People who have this approach will ‘go the extra mile’ for customers. They will genuinely understand customers’ needs, and go out of their way to help meet them.

In this way, they can become a ‘trusted advisor’ to customers, developing a long-term relationship between customer and organisation. This can happen in any industry, and any situation.

Mercedes Benz: No More Satisfied Customers

---

Mercedes-Benz, the car manufacturer, is no longer interested in achieving customer satisfaction.

That does not mean that customer experience is not important to Mercedes. Quite the opposite. It means that customer experience is so important that satisfaction is not enough. Instead, the company wants its customers to feel delighted by their experience with Mercedes.

The company’s president and CEO believe that engaging Mercedes employees is key to achieving that. For example, a recent company poll found that 70% of employees had never driven a Mercedes. They are now being given the opportunity to do so, so that they can better empathise with customers, and therefore engage with them more effectively.

There are many non-work situations which require us to help others in some way, where putting their needs centre-stage may enable us to see the situation differently and perhaps offer more useful support and assistance.

See our pages on Customer Service Skills and Customer Service Tips for more.

---

4. Leveraging Diversity

Leveraging diversity means being able to create and develop opportunities through different kinds of people, recognising and celebrating that we all bring something different to the table.

Leveraging diversity does not mean that you treat everyone in exactly the same way, but that you tailor the way you interact with others to fit with their needs and feelings.

People with this skill respect and relate well to everyone, regardless of their background. As a general rule, they see diversity as an opportunity, understanding that diverse teams work much better than teams that are more homogenous. Our pages on Group and Team Roles and Effective Team-Working explain why diverse groups perform much better than homogenous ones.

People who are good at leveraging diversity also challenge intolerance, bias and stereotyping when they see it, creating an atmosphere that is respectful towards everyone.

Resource: skillsyouneed.com

Assertiveness - An Introduction

What is Assertiveness?

The Concise Oxford Dictionary defines assertiveness as:

“Forthright, positive, insistence on the recognition of one's rights”

In other words:

Assertiveness means standing up for your personal rights - expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways.

It is important to note also that:

By being assertive we should always respect the thoughts, feelings and beliefs of other people.

Those who behave assertively always respect the thoughts, feelings and beliefs of other people as well as their own.

Assertiveness concerns being able to express feelings, wishes, wants and desires appropriately and is an important personal and interpersonal skill.  In all your interactions with other people, whether at home or at work, with employers, customers or colleagues, assertiveness can help you to express yourself in a clear, open and reasonable way, without undermining your own or others’ rights.

Assertiveness enables individuals to act in their own best interests, to stand up for themselves without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings comfortably and to express personal rights without denying the rights of others.

---

Passive, Aggressive and Assertive

Assertiveness is often seen as the balance point between passive and aggressive behaviour, but it’s probably easier to think of the three as points of a triangle.

---

Being Assertive

Being assertive involves taking into consideration your own and other people’s rights, wishes, wants, needs and desires.

Assertiveness means encouraging others to be open and honest about their views, wishes and feelings, so that both parties act appropriately.

Assertive behaviour includes:

• Being open in expressing wishes, thoughts and feelings and encouraging others to do likewise. See our page on Managing Emotions.
• Listening to the views of others and responding appropriately, whether in agreement with those views or not. See our page on Active Listening.
• Accepting responsibilities and being able to delegate to others. See our page on Delegation Skills for more.
• Regularly expressing appreciation of others for what they have done or are doing. See our page on Gratitude and Being Grateful.
• Being able to admit to mistakes and apologise.
• Maintaining self-control. See our page on Self-Control for more.
• Behaving as an equal to others. See our page on Justice and Fairness to explore further.

Being Passive

Responding in a passive or non-assertive way tends to mean compliance with the wishes of others and can undermine individual rights and self-confidence. 

Many people adopt a passive response because they have a strong need to be liked by others.  Such people do not regard themselves as equals because they place greater weight on the rights, wishes and feelings of others.  Being passive results in failure to communicate thoughts or feelings and results in people doing things they really do not want to do in the hope that they might please others. This also means that they allow others to take responsibility, to lead and make decisions for them.

See our Personal Presentation and Self-Esteem pages for tips on how to increase your personal confidence.

A classic passive response is offered by those who say 'yes' to requests when they actually want to say 'no'.

For example:

“Do you think you can find the time to wash the car today?” 

A typical passive reply might be:

“Yes, I'll do it after I've done the shopping, made an important telephone call, finished the filing, cleaned the windows and made lunch for the kids!” 

A far more appropriate response would have been:

“No, I can't do it today as I've got lots of other things I need to do.” 

The person responding passively really does not have the time, but their answer does not convey this message. The second response is assertive as the person has considered the implications of the request in the light of the other tasks they have to do.

Assertiveness is equally important at work as at home.

If you become known as a person who cannot say no, you will be loaded up with tasks by your colleagues and managers, and you could even make yourself ill.

When you respond passively, you present yourself in a less positive light or put yourself down in some way. If you constantly belittle yourself in this way, you will come to feel inferior to others.  While the underlying causes of passive behaviour are often poor self-confidence and self-esteem, in itself it can further reduce feelings of self-worth, creating a vicious circle.

See our pages on Building Confidence and What is Self-Esteem? for more information.

---

Being Aggressive

By being aggressive towards someone else, their rights and self-esteem are undermined.

Aggressive behaviour fails to consider the views or feelings of other individuals. Those behaving aggressively will rarely show praise or appreciation of others and an aggressive response tends to put others down. Aggressive responses encourage the other person to respond in a non-assertive way, either aggressively or passively.

See our page on Transactional Analysis for more about this.

There is a wide range of aggressive behaviours, including rushing someone unnecessarily, telling rather than asking, ignoring someone, or not considering another's feelings.

Good interpersonal skills mean you need to be aware of the different ways of communicating and the different response each approach might provoke.  The use of either passive or aggressive behaviour in interpersonal relationships can have undesirable consequences for those you are communicating with and it may well hinder positive moves forward.

It can be a frightening or distressing experience to be spoken to aggressively and the receiver can be left wondering what instigated such behaviour or what he or she has done to deserve the aggression.

If thoughts and feelings are not stated clearly, this can lead to individuals manipulating others into meeting their wishes and desires. Manipulation can be seen as a covert form of aggression whilst humour can also be used aggressively.

See our page: Dealing with Aggression for more information.

---

Different Situations Call for Different Measures
– or do they?

You may find that you respond differently — whether passively, assertively or aggressively — when you are communicating in different situations.

It is important to remember that any interaction is always a two-way process and therefore your reactions may differ, depending upon your relationship with the other person in the communication.

You may for example find it easier to be assertive to your partner than to your boss or vice versa. However, whether it is easy or not, an assertive response is always going to be better for you and for your relationship with the other person.

Resource: skillsyouneed.com

Recognising and Managing Emotion

What are Emotions?

Emotions are feelings. To start to understand your emotions, you need to ask yourself two questions:

• How do I feel?
• How do I know?

But others also have emotions. At the same time as being aware of your own feelings, you also need to be aware of those of others.

You also need to ask:

• How do others feel, and how do I know?

There are several ways that we can tell how others are feeling, but particularly by observing what they say, and how they behave, including their body language. Research suggests that more than 80% of communication is non-verbal, meaning that it comes from body language and facial expression. Many of us don’t like to talk about our emotions, especially not if they really matter to us, so they tend to be expressed even more in our body language. See our page on Non-Verbal Communication for more.

Emotions and the Brain

Emotions are not consciously controlled. The part of the brain that deals with emotions is the limbic system. It’s thought that this part of the brain evolved fairly early on in human history, making it quite primitive. This explains why an emotional response is often quite straightforward, but very powerful: you want to cry, or run away, or shout.

It’s because these responses are based around the need to survive.

Emotions are strongly linked to memory and experience. If something bad has previously happened to you, your emotional response to the same stimulus is likely to be strong.

Babies feel emotion, but can’t necessarily reason. Emotions are also closely linked to values: an emotional response could tell you that one of your key values has been challenged. See our page on Dilts’ Logical Levels for more about this.

Understanding this link to memory and values gives you the key to managing your emotional response. Your emotional responses don’t necessarily have much to do with the current situation, or to reason, but you can overcome them with reason and by being aware of your reactions.

Try This:

---

Take some time to notice your emotional responses and consider what might be behind them, whether values, memories or experiences.

Also consider what results in positive emotions and what is more negative.

Remember, you can change how you feel.

For more about this, see our page on Neuro-Linguistic Programming.

---

Learning to Manage Emotions

Much has been said and written about how to manage and control emotions.

You can choose how you feel. - Anon

---

You can’t control other people, but you can control how you react to them. - Anon.

---

Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy. - Aristotle

The grid below shows the balance between high and low, and negative and positive energy:

High positive energy enables you to perform well, but you can’t stay in that state for ever. Sooner or later, you need to reduce the energy. Stay positive, and you will recover quickly. Dip into more negative feelings, and you will feel burnt out.

High negative energy is quite an uncomfortable place to be: it feels like you’re fighting for survival all the time. Again, you will have to reduce the energy at some point since it could lead to burnout.

---

Positive Actions to Help you Manage Emotions

There are a number of actions that you can take that will help you to manage your emotions. Many of them are very general, but try them because you may just find that they work.

• Exercise: this releases reward and pleasure chemicals in the brain such as dopamine, which makes you feel better. Being fit also makes you healthier, which helps in managing emotions.
• Be kind to others, because this helps stop you worrying about yourself.
• Be open and accept what is going on around you. Learn to appreciate what is happening and avoid excessive criticism of others or of situations. This is linked to mindfulness, which is about being aware of what is going on in the moment.
• It’s good to talk. Spend time with other people and enjoy their company.
• Distract yourself. Yes, you really are that shallow. Watching a bit of TV, reading, or surfing the internet will probably help you forget that you were feeling a bit down.
• Don’t give in to negative thinking. If you find yourself having negative thoughts, then challenge them by looking for evidence against them.
• Spend time outside. Being in the fresh air, especially around nature, is very helpful for calming the emotions. There is evidence that we need to see horizons, so if you can go up a hill and look at the view then do.
• Be grateful. Thank people in person for doing nice things for you, and remember it.
• Play to your strengths. That often means doing things that you enjoy, but it also involves doing things that are good for you.
• Notice the good things in your life. In old-fashioned terms, count your blessings.

This list may sound quite old-fashioned, but then perhaps our grandparents knew a thing or two about managing emotions that we may have forgotten. Finding the right balance for you can help reduce your stress levels and may help fight depression.

Applying Reason to Emotion

As we said above, you can change how you feel. The key is to be aware of your emotional response, and understand what might be behind it. That way, you can apply some reason to the situation.

For example, you might ask yourself some questions about possible courses of action, like:

• How do I feel about this situation?
• What do I think I should do about it?
• What effect would that have for me and for other people?
• Does this action fit with my values?
• If not, what else could I do that might fit better?
• Is there anyone else that I could ask about this who might help me?

This helps you to apply reason to an emotional response before reacting.

Resource: skillsyouneed.com

Emotional Intelligence

Benefits of Higher Emotional Intelligence

• People with higher emotional intelligence find it easier to form and maintain interpersonal relationships and to ‘fit in’ to group situations.
• People with higher emotional intelligence are also better at understanding their own psychological state, which can include managing stress effectively and being less likely to suffer from depression.

There is no correlation between IQ and EI scores.

In other words, academic aptitude (IQ) has no connection with how people understand and deal with their emotions and the emotions of others (EI). This makes perfect sense: we’ve all met very clever people who nonetheless had no idea about how to deal with people, and the reverse.

Some people have high IQs and low emotional intelligence and vice versa, while some people score highly on both and some do not.

IQ and emotional intelligence attempt to measure different forms of human intelligence; along with personality, these measures make up an individual’s psyche.

Emotional intelligence is the one part of the human psyche that we can develop and improve by learning and practising new skills. You can learn more about these skills from the many pages here at SkillsYouNeed. IQ and personality are more static measures and likely to stay reasonably constant throughout life (although you can develop your ability to complete IQ tests very successfully).

For more about personality types, you may be interested in our pages on Myers-Briggs Type Indicators (MBTI) and MBTI in Practice.

You can find many different tests to help you measure your IQ, EI and personality online and in books. Emotional intelligence tests require that the person taking the test answers questions honestly and it is therefore a lot easier to ‘cheat’ at an EI test than it is an IQ test.

Ultimately emotional intelligence can only be measured by how an individual progresses through life - developing meaningful relationships with others, their interpersonal skills and understanding, their ability to manage their own emotions, and their personal skills.

Elements of Emotional Intelligence

Daniel Goleman divided Emotional Intelligence into ‘Personal’ and ‘Social’ competences, which broadly split between personal and interpersonal skills on SkillsYouNeed. Within each of these sections are a range of skills which are the elements of emotional intelligence.

Personal Skills or Competences	Social Skills or Competences
How we manage ourselves	How we handle relationships with others
Self-awareness Emotional awareness Accurate self-assessment Self-confidence Self-regulation Self-control Trustworthiness Conscientiousness Adaptability Innovation Motivation Achievement drive Commitment Initiative Optimism	Empathy Understanding others Developing others Service orientation Leveraging diversity Political awareness Social Skills Influence Communication Conflict management Leadership Change catalyst Building bonds Collaboration and cooperation Team capabilities
Based on ‘Working with Emotional Intelligence’ Daniel Goleman.

Personal Skills or Competences

There are three areas of personal skills or competences in emotional intelligence.

1. Self-awareness

Self-awareness encompasses:

• Emotional awareness
• Accurate self-assessment
• Self-confidence

Self-awareness is the skill of being aware of and understanding your emotions as they occur and as they evolve. It is wrong to think of emotions as either positive or negative. Instead, you should think of them as appropriate or inappropriate.

For example, anger is usually associated with being a negative emotion.  However, it can be a completely reasonable and appropriate emotion in certain circumstances – emotional intelligence allows us to recognise our anger and understand why this emotion has occurred.

Effective self-assessment of feelings and emotions will help to improve your confidence and self-esteem.

See our pages on Self-Awareness and Confidence for more.

2. Self-regulation or Self-management

Self-regulation includes:

• Self-control
• Trustworthiness
• Conscientiousness
• Adaptability
• Innovation

Having learned to be aware of your emotions, the skill of self-regulation relates to managing them appropriately and proportionately.

Self-management skills relate to the emotions you are feeling at any given time or in any given circumstance and how well you manage them. Self-control is a fundamental part of this, but other aspects relate to what you then do: whether you behave in a way which is recognised as ‘good’ or ‘virtuous’ or not.

See our page on Self-Regulation for more.

Motivation

The final personal skills aspect of emotional intelligence is Motivation.

Self-motivation includes our personal drive to improve and achieve, commitment to our goals, initiative, or readiness to act on opportunities, and optimism and resilience.

Self-motivation and personal time management are key skills in this area.  Do not make unreasonable demands on yourself, learn to be assertive rather than just saying, ‘Yes’ to the demands of others.

See our pages on Self-Motivation and Time Management for guidance and best practice.

---

Social or Interpersonal Skills or Competences

Interpersonal skills are the skills we use to interact with other people. They enable us to communicate appropriately and build stronger, more meaningful relationships. Emotional intelligence includes how we understand others and their emotions, and our actions and behaviours towards them.

There are two key aspects.

1. Empathy

Empathy is an awareness of the needs and feelings of others both individually and in groups, and being able to see things from the point of view of others.

Empathy helps us to develop a stronger understanding of other people’s situations.

It includes understanding others, developing others, having a service orientation, leveraging diversity, and political awareness.

Empathy can often be difficult to achieve. Learn to listen effectively to both the verbal and non-verbal messages of others, including body movements, gestures and physical signs of emotion.  Use questions to find out more about other people and what they are feeling, and feedback to clarify that you have correctly understood their feelings. Acknowledge and respect the feelings of others even if you disagree, and avoid making comments or statements that are judgemental, belittling, rejecting or undermining.

See our page on Empathy for more.

2. Social Skills

Social skills encompasses a wide range of relationship and interpersonal skills. These range from leadership through to influencing and persuading, and managing conflict, as well as working in a team.

The term ‘social skills’ covers a wide variety of skills and competencies, many of which are rooted in self-esteem and personal confidence.  By developing your social skills, being easy to talk to, being a good listener, being sharing and trustworthy, you also become more charismatic and attractive to others.

This in turn improves self-esteem and confidence which makes it easier for positive personal dialogue and a greater understanding and acceptance of your own emotions.

See our page on Social Skills in Emotional Intelligence for more.

---

Further Reading from Skills You Need

---

Understanding and Developing Emotional Intelligence

Learn more about emotional intelligence and how to effectively manage personal relationships at home, at work and socially.

Our eBooks are ideal for anyone who wants to learn about or develop their interpersonal skills and are full of easy-to-follow, practical information.

---

In Summary

---

Working on your emotional intelligence could well be the most important aspect of your personal development.

Research has shown that people with higher levels of emotional intelligence enjoy more satisfying and successful careers and relationships.  If you think about ways to enhance your EI, you are likely to become more interesting and attractive to others, and you will also give your self-esteem a boost.

Resource: skillsyouneed.com